Well, change may come yet

I may be able to survive this yet. And that's because I will be able to spend a good amount of time in NY. There is going to be no other way. I will not be able to make it if I have to stay here the whole year for years to come. But if I can spend part of the year; the best part of the year, in NY, then I will survive, and most likely thrive. And this is indeed the agreement that we have come to. I get to go, by myself even. Clear my head. Save money. Be myself again.

So I'm trying to find either a second job or a new job, and it's a joke here. I just had an interview at a camera store for a lab position/sales, and they only pay 7.50!! WTF??? Z just had an interview at Barnes and Noble, and they only pay 7.50!!! I got paid 9 an hour at a lab 12 YEARS AGO! I know NY pays more, but man, is this the economy, or does it just really suck here?

So I have less than 5 months to get everything worked out if I am going to make it to NY by April. That is the goal. But there is so much debt to pay to just catch up before I can start saving... I have faith I can pull it off, because I HAVE TO!

something's gotta change

And that would be me. Nothing's working. I stand on the very brink of wonderful things only to keep my back to them, and face the other side, where there is a raging storm of self sabotage. Funny, I didn't realize as I wrote this that I just described a dream I had just last night. I was having a hell of a time at work... hellish indeed, and in the middle of it I was suddenly in the ocean trying to keep myself in control of these massive crashing waves. They finally pushed me to a high rock wall, and I was able to catch myself on the rock and hang on by my forearms. I looked to my left and saw how far the rock divide went, and then noticed that the water on the other side was perfectly calm. Of course I noted to myself in the dream that I was looking at the difference between the LI Sound and the ocean beaches, but of course there wasn't a literal resemblance. But that's really how it's been in my life for years; I'm on the side with the uncontrollable crashing waves, trying to surf them, and on the other side of the rock wall all is calm and I can only hang on the edge and peer over. Someting BIG needs to change and I'm not sure right now what that will be. But I think things might get much worse before they get any better. And considering how bad things are right now, I can't imagine that. But I can feel it. I need to figure out how to climb over that rock wall and get to calm waters.

things continue

There seems to be a semblence of progress going on. Finally have employment, though I'm not used to getting paid every two weeks... never had that before. I've found a cool yoga place and signed up for my first month, and have been trying to get a class in every day. I'm loving the hot yoga. I thought it was going to be tough at first, but it was much better and easier. When I can get into some funky poses I'll have to post some pictures!

Since I don't have a ton of things to take up my time, I have been spending way too much time on Facebook, but I'm having fun with it. More than myspace, which seems a little boring to me now. Unfortunately, when I'm procrastinating, it doesn't help...

There's a ton of things I could complain about; like the annoying driving here, or how boring it is here, or how my husband and daughter are not of the neat species, or how my husband chooses now to check into social groups and things to do, but not while back in NY... but I'm really trying to stay positive and focused, work on myself and not kill anyone. Really.

Still here

Today I was brought back to second grade through my own daughter as she somehow got me to bring her and a friend to go roller skating today. And I skated... and it was pretty fun.

I'm still trying to finish unpacking but it's not easy with half the space. What's worse is not having a working computer, or even a desk to put a broken one on... So I'm stuck using Z's laptop until we figure out how to slave my drive.

So I have one more week to get it all settled and situated and as organized as I can since I gots myself a job finally. So the first part of my plan for thsi year is underway. And then starts the second part; saving enough to have a nice lengthy visit back to LI among other things like paying down debt and working on getting a loverly promotion to tender of the beer. Then I would have the cash monies to take classes where I'll make pretty metal thingies.

Can I do all this in one year?? Seems crazy but I'm pretty damned determined to get back to NY sooner than later.

What to do...

Or what NOT to do... since I'll have a week to myself for the first time in a LONG time. Little girl and Hub are going away. I can't afford to go, and I started a new job, so I stay home. With myself. I'm a bit excited! AND the internet and cable get turned on while they're gong too.... oh man. Will I be able to control myself?

And what the hell is up with this cold weather here? I'm wearing fuzzy socks and a wool sweater over another shirt!! It's just fucked up here.

But the commute on the little light rail is ok. It's amusing really. I think you buy the tickets on the honor system, because no one checks them. I don't think that everyone even buys them. For a round trip ticket for me to get downtown and back it only costs 3.50. I think I'm going to test out the honor system tomorrow. I've bought tickets for the last couple of days now. There is no one manning these cars. You can't count the prerecorded female voice announcing the stops!

My building is only a stone's throw from the station too. Of all the places to get stuck working in downtown Denver, I'm in a very nice touristy section on a pedestrian street mall. Today there was a killer flute player gettin buzy to some jazz. If I had cash I would've dropped him some. I appreciate good flute playing having played in school and in competitions for 7 years. The acoustics were awesome bouncing off the surrounding buildings. And since I won't have anyone to rush home to next week, maybe I'll take a later train home and check out downtown. It's definitely not NY by a long stretch... but worthy of a minute of looking at. :)

labor day

I labored today on getting a plan set for the next year. I have a lot to get accomplished if I wish to get myself back to NY any time soon. I get internet setup at home this weekend, and that will be a good thing. I can do lots of research and get some work done.

Start a new job tomorrow downtown. I'll probably wind up taking the new lite rail system here. It will be my first time taking public transportation to a job. I think it's ironic that I lived in NY most of my life and never commuted by public trans there, but I will be here. Many ironies lately. But at least it will save me money on gas, and maybe even keep my car from completely dying altogether. The poor thing barely made it out here. I barely made it out here.

Week 3

I still feel like someone hit me over the head with a steel beam and I'm now dreaming... Though this isn't the dream I would have had for myself. So now what do I do? I've pinched myself way too many times and all that happens is I bruise. I'm here and have to deal with it.

I think I'm past the angry part of it... was pretty angry for two weeks straight. Now I'm in a middle period of resigning to the fact that I've gotta go forward, just not sure how. Kinda feels flat. It's going to be a big year ahead; many things need to be sorted and fixed. I think just about everything about myself needs to be re-evaluated. Hopefully the person I used to be is still underneath all the crap.

I think I've put together a plan that might work.

First and foremost I need to find some work.