something's gotta change

And that would be me. Nothing's working. I stand on the very brink of wonderful things only to keep my back to them, and face the other side, where there is a raging storm of self sabotage. Funny, I didn't realize as I wrote this that I just described a dream I had just last night. I was having a hell of a time at work... hellish indeed, and in the middle of it I was suddenly in the ocean trying to keep myself in control of these massive crashing waves. They finally pushed me to a high rock wall, and I was able to catch myself on the rock and hang on by my forearms. I looked to my left and saw how far the rock divide went, and then noticed that the water on the other side was perfectly calm. Of course I noted to myself in the dream that I was looking at the difference between the LI Sound and the ocean beaches, but of course there wasn't a literal resemblance. But that's really how it's been in my life for years; I'm on the side with the uncontrollable crashing waves, trying to surf them, and on the other side of the rock wall all is calm and I can only hang on the edge and peer over. Someting BIG needs to change and I'm not sure right now what that will be. But I think things might get much worse before they get any better. And considering how bad things are right now, I can't imagine that. But I can feel it. I need to figure out how to climb over that rock wall and get to calm waters.